In a stunning breakthrough that's sure to result in dozens of Nobel Prizes being awarded to somebody, scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider have discovered the elusive "Obama particle" by slamming the U.S. economy into a brick wall at 99.999% of the speed of a derivatives flash crash.

The collision produced an elaborate pattern of joblessness and wealth destruction which was captured and mapped by CERN scientists to create a statistical detection model that pinpointed the elusive Obama particle's role in destroying everything it touches.

"We believe this Obama particle may be the fundamental destructive force behind anti-matter and dark matter all at once," said one scientist who asked not to be named. "It seems to be capable of destroying everything it encounters."

After their discovery, Obama particles were found buried under the government parliament building in Greece, where they are now believed to have contributed to the disappearance of Greek wealth into a parallel dimension. Obama particles have also been spotted at Goldman Sachs, IRS offices and even hiding in the ear canals of CNBC's stock picking jester Jim Cramer, who seems especially skilled at destroying wealth with a degree of consistency that defies sheer randomness.