The biggest news this week — if you ignore politics, technology, sports and weather — is that DC Comics will soon be rebooting its universe. Again.

 DC owns such iconic superheroes as Superman, Batman and Matter-Eater Lad, and the company carefully stewards its charges by periodically killing them off, maiming them or driving them insane every time sales dip.

When sales really dip, the DC honchos pull out the old reboot trick. They rewrite the universe from the ground up, shaking up the status quo and leaving no sacred cow untenderized. Then 45-year-old action figure collectors complain, and DC changes everything back.

DC needs to hand the reins over to me for the reboot, which will start with Justice League No. 1 later this summer. I’ll ignore the wailing fans complaining that I’ve rendered the events of page 12 of Issue No. 138 of Batman: Legends of the Cash Cow obsolete. When I undermine the work of a generation, it stays undermined.

Here’s what I’ll do to make these incredibly popular, universally recognized characters palatable to 21st-century readers.