Article Image Powell Gammill

Letters to the Editor • Healthcare

A Message From the Government

  Dear Citizens,

As I\'m sure you\'ve all heard, we\'re all going to die.

Don\'t be alarmed, we are in control of everything. Afterall, we have an impecable record of solving problems. Iraq, Katrina, the U.S. Border. Just an amazing record. In fact you can look at all of the documents on our website (some of them may be classified, but it\'s best that you don\'t know what they say).

Right now the Swine Flu is breaking out all around the world. We just want to make sure you, our valued customer, understand that we at the government are working to protect you. Don\'t be concerned about the possibility of martial law, or quarantines. It\'s all for your good. Oh, and don\'t be afraid of inoculations. The vaccinations we make will be perfectly safe... we, your trusted politicians and beauracrats give you our word.

What you should really be afraid of is the impending pandemic. Sure, thousands of people die of the regular flu every year, and as of yet only 120 have died of the Swine Flu. But we assure you it is something to be afraid of, very afraid. And only we can protect you.

Don\'t beleive all of these constitutionalist crazies, like Judge Andrew Napolitano, who talk about "giving up liberty for security". Your freedoms are perfectly safe in our hands, we\'ll just keep them for the time being and return them as soon as the problems go away. And we have alot to deal with in order to make you, our valued customer, safe... those godawful pirates, all of the islamic terrorists, global warming, drugs, crime, mexicans! But it will all be fine if you just trust us.

Sometimes we have to use certain "unwanted" methods to keep things orderly. Torture... aw, that\'s just enhanced interrogation tactics. Secret Prisons... you don\'t know if they even exist. Spying... what do you have to hide anyways? No Habeus Corpus... what do you need that for? You probably don\'t even know what it means. Suspension of Constitution and Bill of Rights... it\'s just a peice of paper, we can\'t hold on to it forever. Everything we do is completely necessary.

Also, you should remember to listen to the news every single day, and keep sending your kids to our fantastic education facilities. And don\'t bother going on those wild inter-webs, it will only trouble you with information that\'s better not to know. Don\'t bother listening to crazies like Ron Paul, Alex Jones, or Lew Rockwell, who only want to make you into \'free-thinkers\' (and we all know what happens when you have to think for yourself... chaos). Which is why we are glad to do the thinking for you, after all it is our job. Just sit back, relax, eat that Big Mac, drink that Coke, and watch American Idol.

President Obama, our wonderful new CEO (who is the first African-American to lead our organization), is on the job 24/7 to make sure every single one of you get\'s what you need. All the money he is giving to the banks is much needed and appreciated to solve our economic crisis. It\'s all to ensure your financial security. Don\'t worry about the debt... we promise you, we will slash the deficit in half and still have the trillions of dollars to fund these absolutely necessary programs.

Don\'t pay any mind to these insane economists like Peter Schiff, or trend researchers like Gerald Celente. They\'re all a bunch of crack-pots preaching pessimism. President Obama, and our entire organization, are optimists. We think we can spend trillions of dollars and not go into unpayable debt. We think that printing money is a great idea and will in no way lead to it\'s devalument. We think lower interest rates are really good and savings/investments are not important. People should spend not save. We believe our plans can work. We think that unicorns are real and there is a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. Some may call us unrealistic, but that\'s outright cynicism. We just like to think positive.

We are doing everything to keep you safe from foriegn threats as well. The North Iranian Korean Venezuelans have made an aliance with Satan, Darth Vader, and Hitler (who, as our reliable intelligence sources have assured us, has returned from the dead) and are plotting to destroy apple pie and kill Brangelina! We must stop them from going through with this plan...WWJBD? What would Jack Bauer do?

We are also working to stop this terrible global warming problem. We love green things, and animals. We don\'t like the idea that people are polluting the environment with their being alive. We at the government are doing everything to stop the seas from rising and Dennis Quaid from having to save us all.

And, of course, we are making sure that people don\'t smoke marijuana, which may have not killed anyone in the history of humanity, but is really, really dangerous. You don\'t want your kids going to prison and getting raped do you? Who cares if a few cancer patients have to suffer unendurable pain, as long as we can keep people from eating Doritos and watching Adult Swim.

With all of these dangers facing us, the emergence of the Swine Flu is just another reason why we at the government are allways here to service you... the valued customer. Without us, you would die. You need us, and we are going to continue to remind you of it. Look at all of the chaos that is swarming society, we exist to make sure you don\'t have to experience any of that.

As allways, this has been a friendly reminder from us at the government. When your safety is threatened, come to us. We charge a very low price of your taxes and personal liberties. You need us, and we are glad to ablige.

And finally, now this is very important... you don\'t have a choice!

The Government                -Justin T. Buell